I’m different now

December 7, 2024 | 10:58AM

I’m not sure where to begin. I guess it’s good to note that a year ago today I slid into Eric’s DM’s when I was drunk in Orlando. A very direct flirt turned into a very deep devotion. In December of 2023, I had short black hair, I smelt like cat piss, I worked at fucking starbucks. It seemed like life was worse back then and it was. I just can’t believe that I finally got out of the funk I was in for a few years. The support system I had back then is gone and maybe that’s the reason I’m so conflicted? I’ve never had luck with friend groups. Sometimes I feel like I’m the problem and I deserve to just live alone with my cat and a motorcycle, but I know I’m not. I’m a complicated person for sure and I think that’s what draws people away from me. I gave up being a people pleaser and I’m sure that’s also what killed a lot of my relationships but fuck it. I cut a lot of people out of my life this year and I feel a lot better about myself. If you’re one of those people and you’re reading this: congrats, you reached the section where I mentioned your likeness. Onwards. I think I need to move to LA or New York. The kind of shit I want to do won’t last a day here. Ever since I got out of the hospital in August, my life was never the same. Sure I did the same things and ate the same shit, but my mind disappeared. I was vacant until late October. October was bad. November was relieving. December is conflicting. I turn 21 next week and I feel like I’ve done so much in my life that I would have never expected to accomplish but something inside of me is screaming “THATS NOT ENOUGH!”. I don’t know what my destiny is but I feel it brewing. I know I want to create a ripple in the world. I know I’m going to be hated by so many, but I’d be helping a lot of people. A lot more than “haters” or “opps” or “enemies”. I don’t want conflict. I don’t want anymore pain. I don’t want drama. I want peace and I want to help. I just wish I could show that a bit more. I learnt that I have a resting bitch face. A smile is hard to force but I do it anyways. I have a good job now. A good, serious, high wage job. For the first time in my life, I have $1000 in my savings account. When I get my first car, that will be the beginning to many solutions. Probably a Toyota Corolla. Better then a Chinese scooter.

So here’s what’s good about my life right now: stable high paying job, my handsome ride or die boyfriend, an amazing support system, a roof over my head that doesn’t break my back, a sweet loving cat, my sister by my side, my parents are healthy, I’m healthy, I don’t want to kill myself.

Here’s what’s bad: no car, and I’m fucking confused on why things are going too well. Something HAS to be up. That’s the self sabotage talking I guess. Fuck that, I want to stay still.

I’m going through a big transformation right now and I’m not quite sure where the fuck I’m going but it’s hard getting out of where I’m at now (mentally)

I’ll figure this shit out.

So what now?

September 8, 2024 | 2:33PM

As I am writing this I am taking one of the worst turds of my life. I have more to say on this but I will refrain as my digital footprints have suffered from my lack of filter. Anywho, I saw my doctor the other day and what do you know!!! My ITP is actually chronic and I have to get back on steroids AND my platelets dropped to BELOW NORMAL AGAIN!! (62,000). I’m stressed, I’m pissed but I’m open. They told me that if this next wave of prednisone doesn’t cure it, I’m gonna have to be put onto a more long term medication which I don’t even mind. I just want to feel and be healthy again for my sake and everybody else around me. I don’t even like alcohol that much anymore so I won’t have an issue with needing to stay sober this time around. I actually like how prednisone makes me feel. It made me feel productive, driven, clear minded and I woke up with the first alarm every time. Maybe this is my sign to get back onto adderral or however you spell it (the legal kind). I was prescribed it in high school but didn’t notice much of a different except for the fact that it gave me a rush similar to 2 cans of redbull. I feel like it may help me now but let me not get too ahead of myself. I still hate having to take pills on a schedule because if you know me, I don’t like schedules! Everything I do and think is spontaneous and impulsive but obviously, that needs to change because I am an actual adult who pays bills and actively commutes to work and shit. Fuck it’s so hard being responsible but I will manage.

Today is my brothers 6th birthday as well. I FaceTimed him for a bit last night and it was really nice. I love seeing him smile and happy. Too bad he’s got a bit of a cough but he’s a trooper :) everyone around me is also kinda sick so I guess we gotta prep for flu season (?)

I wanted to go see the band Badflower today at revolution live but obviously my job pays like shit and I had bills to pay so I passed. Eric does wanna go to a car show and I do wanna surprise him with tickets that I bought but he’s also sick :/ oh well. I’ll drag his ass on a wheelchair if I have to. You’re gonna see that Ford GT baby!

This is where I end my vents and story telling. I have to wipe and start my day. Also enjoy the photo of my dog Bailey with my sister holding him through my ring camera. Unrelated to my thoughts today but I thought it was funny because he doesn’t even look like a fucking dog. 

Write ya later! <3

2:43PM

3 cams, 3 discs

 

August 27, 2024 | 11:14PM

Today I got a new job. That’s right, clap!! I got a new job that pays better in wynwood. I’m excited to stress out my legs so much that I start to actually GAIN muscle. I don’t know how that shit works. Anyways, I found this shit at the Salvation Army up there. They had GOOD SHIT! I even saw 2 bass amps and an analog stereo system (it looked cool enough to be analog) I sure do wish I had a car. I found an oasis and candle box CD but somebody else stiffed that shit. The video cam works barely and the others are suffering from battery corrosion. I tried fixing it with some vinegar and rubbing alcohol but I got tired. I’ll try tomorrow. Those cds though? I got the Tracy Bonham one cause I really like her song “mother mother”. She has some good shit on there. The Fray? C’mon now. We’ve all cried to Isaac Slades voice atleast ONCE! How to save a life mother fucker!!! Snow patrol I haven’t listened to yet but IM SURE IVE CRIED TO THIS ONE TOO! I’ll get around to you mr. Where did I go wrong. 

Im exhausted. Like physically don’t worry. I’m healthy up there and everywhere else. Tomorrow I take my last dose of prednisone. 

That better be a hit.

11:19PM