December 7, 2024 | 10:58AM
I’m not sure where to begin. I guess it’s good to note that a year ago today I slid into Eric’s DM’s when I was drunk in Orlando. A very direct flirt turned into a very deep devotion. In December of 2023, I had short black hair, I smelt like cat piss, I worked at fucking starbucks. It seemed like life was worse back then and it was. I just can’t believe that I finally got out of the funk I was in for a few years. The support system I had back then is gone and maybe that’s the reason I’m so conflicted? I’ve never had luck with friend groups. Sometimes I feel like I’m the problem and I deserve to just live alone with my cat and a motorcycle, but I know I’m not. I’m a complicated person for sure and I think that’s what draws people away from me. I gave up being a people pleaser and I’m sure that’s also what killed a lot of my relationships but fuck it. I cut a lot of people out of my life this year and I feel a lot better about myself. If you’re one of those people and you’re reading this: congrats, you reached the section where I mentioned your likeness. Onwards. I think I need to move to LA or New York. The kind of shit I want to do won’t last a day here. Ever since I got out of the hospital in August, my life was never the same. Sure I did the same things and ate the same shit, but my mind disappeared. I was vacant until late October. October was bad. November was relieving. December is conflicting. I turn 21 next week and I feel like I’ve done so much in my life that I would have never expected to accomplish but something inside of me is screaming “THATS NOT ENOUGH!”. I don’t know what my destiny is but I feel it brewing. I know I want to create a ripple in the world. I know I’m going to be hated by so many, but I’d be helping a lot of people. A lot more than “haters” or “opps” or “enemies”. I don’t want conflict. I don’t want anymore pain. I don’t want drama. I want peace and I want to help. I just wish I could show that a bit more. I learnt that I have a resting bitch face. A smile is hard to force but I do it anyways. I have a good job now. A good, serious, high wage job. For the first time in my life, I have $1000 in my savings account. When I get my first car, that will be the beginning to many solutions. Probably a Toyota Corolla. Better then a Chinese scooter.
So here’s what’s good about my life right now: stable high paying job, my handsome ride or die boyfriend, an amazing support system, a roof over my head that doesn’t break my back, a sweet loving cat, my sister by my side, my parents are healthy, I’m healthy, I don’t want to kill myself.
Here’s what’s bad: no car, and I’m fucking confused on why things are going too well. Something HAS to be up. That’s the self sabotage talking I guess. Fuck that, I want to stay still.
I’m going through a big transformation right now and I’m not quite sure where the fuck I’m going but it’s hard getting out of where I’m at now (mentally)
I’ll figure this shit out.
