I finally look the way I’ve wanted to

 July 30, 2024 | 8:12PM

I’m on my way to this photoshoot that highlights the women in the miami local music scene. I finally look the way I want to be perceived. I’m building a backbone made of steel, forgiveness and a little of vengeance. I can’t lie to myself. We all want a little bit of unjustified justice. Anyways, check out these pics. I think I look supa hot ngl. IDENTITY CRISIS, BE DAMNED! I KNOW WHO I AM.

8:18PM

First Baecation

 

my bestfriend and I

 

Maya <3

I started a band

July 22, 2024 | 11:18PM

For anybody here that knows me personally or parasocially, I had a band. It was special, it was my child and my passion project; today I knifed it totally. I’m happy to learn to end things that were good. I’m not 18 anymore and the ø would have never survived googles daring SEO terms and conditions. 

I feel free. I got it back, I let him in, I was found, she gave me pain, I got home but most importantly, I’ve found the courage to start climbing uphill. If you understood all of that, you’re a fucking nerd lmaooo.

I will go back to my roots but for now, I’ll be taking notes from Fleetwood Mac and Daft Punk: Alive ‘07

11:22PM

The Power Behind Guilt

 July 21, 2024 | 5:05AM

I've been dealing with imposter syndrome for the past year now. My accomplishments don't feel earned and others' feel stolen. I wish I knew what to do with my time other than think. That's all I do now-a-days. Nothing productive; that dirty glass in my room has been sitting there for months, but at least I just figured out how to make a pipe bomb from Cocomelon. I digress. I hold a lot of guilt. Most of it is mental and imaginary and ridiculous, but the small percentage that is justified eats me alive. The power behind guilt is that forces correct decisions under pressure. Why would you want to suffer from more guilt anyways? I'd rather not dive into details since I know more eyes are on here, but I will give you this juicy detail: I fucked up. In many various ways, but these aren't fuck ups I regret because after all, I am here. After all, doing something stupid and staying stupid is the big thing here. I really wish I could make more sensible decisions. Maybe I'd have a car by now if I made the decision to start a budget plan 2 years ago. Maybe I wouldn't be nearing alcoholism if I had just learnt a very VALUABLE lesson a bit earlier on in life (I learnt that lesson last December). This lesson is...You don't have to be everybodys friend. It's actually nice to have that one stranger you see once in a while and just say "Hey! I haven't seen you around in a while". Sondering is a necessity, I've found. Like I said, I don't regret anything, but sometimes the guilt eats me alive. The guilt of "I shouldn't have posted that...", "I shouldn't have let them move in...", "I shouldn't have opened myself that much..."...

I'm going back to therapy. Cutting lexapro off cold turkey worked wonderfully for me, but I know I still have loads of things to get off of my chest...not online. I'm working heavily on myself, my future and my well being. Heavily means "I wish" at this point. I'm not spiraling downwards but more upwards. Things are going well right now but my self sabotage is kicking in. I feel it and I already see it. I just hope I do well.

5:17AM

You made it!!

July 19, 2024 | 11:19PM

 Hello friends. I’m assuming you are reading this if you saw my departure from instagram. It is true, I am happier…and a very shitty and cringey writer but whatever lol. I’m good! No need to worry or wonder. I will say, this is my new safe space, so I will be cringe because that’s just how I write. I’m honestly disappointed right now. I could have been taking a shower washing away performance sweat. Petrichor was supposed to play tonight but shit happens. Tonight was supposed to be special but again…SHIT HAPPENS! I’m fine. I’m having a beer per usual. Listening to jazz and petting my boyfriend’s cat. I actually really like this living room. I’d love to build this kind of atmosphere once Eric and I move in together. I didn’t know my tastes would take a drastic turn. An 18-year-old Punk know-it-all to a woman who just likes beer and jazz. Wine is just too…yeesh. 

I’m happy. And I mean it. New people, new surroundings, new experiences. What the fuck more could I want?? I’m finally developing a STABLE sense of self. I’m letting go of past traumas and forgiving more than I know I’d like to. I do understand however that the usual “functional human being” never has their shit figured out most of the time! Which is fucking amazing! Jesus, the media does fuck around with you. I’m happy to say that I am indeed not a temu victim lol. Alright I gotta go. These are good people and very good friends. I want to be present for them. And they’re also cooking a nice dinner. Thanks for reading! See you soonish?

11:29PM

On the clock

 July 18, 2024 | 11:12AM

I'm at work right now. I opened up the store at 11 and by 11:05, I had already taken 2 orders (with good tips. I never used to be the kinda girl to wear makeup. I'd just wake up, dress up and go out. If i looked ugly, that was up to somebody else, not me. Anyways...lipstick and pushup bras are my friends now. A little cleavage can definitely make the usual 15% go up to 22% when i turn the stupid fucking IPad. Also, i tried carrot express for the first time today. $16 for an Acai bowl is brutal but whatever. I like it. I also really enjoy using this blog as a personal diary. It's like shit posting on twitter except I won't be harassed by mentally ill people. At least some of you might qualify for MENSA? I also work at a place that a lot of people in my local music scene don't typically enjoy since it's usually a spot for the younger crowd but fuck that! They want to complain about the lack of venues in Miami and shit on one of the long lasting ones but I digress. The owner is a prick. I wouldn't mind this place shutting down if it mean he went down with it but I try to keep it alive for the culture and music. we need music. Alrighty well my back is starting to hurt because im sitting on a high chair and this counter is so fucking low. I'll be back...I promise.

11:23AM

4 years later

 July 17, 2024 | 6:54PM

I’m 20 and out of high school. I have an amazing boyfriend, my family is stable, my mind is too, I have good friends, I live alone (sort of), I have a 2 year old cat called Winter, my only complaint? No car. But I fucking manage so I honestly have no complaints. 

I joined a band with my best friends today. You’ve got to kill “on a Friday” to reach “Radiohead”. I love them.