The Power Behind Guilt

 July 21, 2024 | 5:05AM

I've been dealing with imposter syndrome for the past year now. My accomplishments don't feel earned and others' feel stolen. I wish I knew what to do with my time other than think. That's all I do now-a-days. Nothing productive; that dirty glass in my room has been sitting there for months, but at least I just figured out how to make a pipe bomb from Cocomelon. I digress. I hold a lot of guilt. Most of it is mental and imaginary and ridiculous, but the small percentage that is justified eats me alive. The power behind guilt is that forces correct decisions under pressure. Why would you want to suffer from more guilt anyways? I'd rather not dive into details since I know more eyes are on here, but I will give you this juicy detail: I fucked up. In many various ways, but these aren't fuck ups I regret because after all, I am here. After all, doing something stupid and staying stupid is the big thing here. I really wish I could make more sensible decisions. Maybe I'd have a car by now if I made the decision to start a budget plan 2 years ago. Maybe I wouldn't be nearing alcoholism if I had just learnt a very VALUABLE lesson a bit earlier on in life (I learnt that lesson last December). This lesson is...You don't have to be everybodys friend. It's actually nice to have that one stranger you see once in a while and just say "Hey! I haven't seen you around in a while". Sondering is a necessity, I've found. Like I said, I don't regret anything, but sometimes the guilt eats me alive. The guilt of "I shouldn't have posted that...", "I shouldn't have let them move in...", "I shouldn't have opened myself that much..."...

I'm going back to therapy. Cutting lexapro off cold turkey worked wonderfully for me, but I know I still have loads of things to get off of my chest...not online. I'm working heavily on myself, my future and my well being. Heavily means "I wish" at this point. I'm not spiraling downwards but more upwards. Things are going well right now but my self sabotage is kicking in. I feel it and I already see it. I just hope I do well.

5:17AM