So what now?

September 8, 2024 | 2:33PM

As I am writing this I am taking one of the worst turds of my life. I have more to say on this but I will refrain as my digital footprints have suffered from my lack of filter. Anywho, I saw my doctor the other day and what do you know!!! My ITP is actually chronic and I have to get back on steroids AND my platelets dropped to BELOW NORMAL AGAIN!! (62,000). I’m stressed, I’m pissed but I’m open. They told me that if this next wave of prednisone doesn’t cure it, I’m gonna have to be put onto a more long term medication which I don’t even mind. I just want to feel and be healthy again for my sake and everybody else around me. I don’t even like alcohol that much anymore so I won’t have an issue with needing to stay sober this time around. I actually like how prednisone makes me feel. It made me feel productive, driven, clear minded and I woke up with the first alarm every time. Maybe this is my sign to get back onto adderral or however you spell it (the legal kind). I was prescribed it in high school but didn’t notice much of a different except for the fact that it gave me a rush similar to 2 cans of redbull. I feel like it may help me now but let me not get too ahead of myself. I still hate having to take pills on a schedule because if you know me, I don’t like schedules! Everything I do and think is spontaneous and impulsive but obviously, that needs to change because I am an actual adult who pays bills and actively commutes to work and shit. Fuck it’s so hard being responsible but I will manage.

Today is my brothers 6th birthday as well. I FaceTimed him for a bit last night and it was really nice. I love seeing him smile and happy. Too bad he’s got a bit of a cough but he’s a trooper :) everyone around me is also kinda sick so I guess we gotta prep for flu season (?)

I wanted to go see the band Badflower today at revolution live but obviously my job pays like shit and I had bills to pay so I passed. Eric does wanna go to a car show and I do wanna surprise him with tickets that I bought but he’s also sick :/ oh well. I’ll drag his ass on a wheelchair if I have to. You’re gonna see that Ford GT baby!

This is where I end my vents and story telling. I have to wipe and start my day. Also enjoy the photo of my dog Bailey with my sister holding him through my ring camera. Unrelated to my thoughts today but I thought it was funny because he doesn’t even look like a fucking dog. 

Write ya later! <3

2:43PM

3 cams, 3 discs

 

August 27, 2024 | 11:14PM

Today I got a new job. That’s right, clap!! I got a new job that pays better in wynwood. I’m excited to stress out my legs so much that I start to actually GAIN muscle. I don’t know how that shit works. Anyways, I found this shit at the Salvation Army up there. They had GOOD SHIT! I even saw 2 bass amps and an analog stereo system (it looked cool enough to be analog) I sure do wish I had a car. I found an oasis and candle box CD but somebody else stiffed that shit. The video cam works barely and the others are suffering from battery corrosion. I tried fixing it with some vinegar and rubbing alcohol but I got tired. I’ll try tomorrow. Those cds though? I got the Tracy Bonham one cause I really like her song “mother mother”. She has some good shit on there. The Fray? C’mon now. We’ve all cried to Isaac Slades voice atleast ONCE! How to save a life mother fucker!!! Snow patrol I haven’t listened to yet but IM SURE IVE CRIED TO THIS ONE TOO! I’ll get around to you mr. Where did I go wrong. 

Im exhausted. Like physically don’t worry. I’m healthy up there and everywhere else. Tomorrow I take my last dose of prednisone. 

That better be a hit.

11:19PM

On the right track

 

August 22, 2024 | 8:42AM

You see this cluster fuck of Sweetwater deals? I am golden mother fucker! Nearly dying saved my life. I feel driven, I feel motivated, I feel like I’m FINALLY on the right track. I gave up the whole “I’m too depressed” act. It wasn’t really an act but I could have definitely done better but I don’t regret one thing. I am me and the most authentic and healthy version.I have ever recognized. I still struggle to look at myself in the mirror and see all good things, but if I only saw good, then why the fuck am I chasing a broke passion? I need music more than ever.

Here’s the plan. And it’s the plan that’s been brewing for a while. I am going solo; but dead alone solo. I am going to make this music myself, perform it myself and well…maybe use some help with the mix and master. It’s gonna be a visual experience too (hence the expensive ass motorized light beams). The best part is, I’m going to make it focus on theatrics as well. I’ll let my inner diva/thespian shine for this one. I know I’ve got the attitude and the talent so fuck it bruh!! I started off solo in 2019 with a guitar and a MacBook Pro. Found out what a launch pad was and used that, joined a not so good band, created a really good one annnnnd kerplunk. Back to square one but this is where I belong. A wise man named John Tovar believed in me. He saw spunk when I didn’t know what that meant and all it took was a cover of “The Ocean” by Led Zeppelin when I was 17 in the “not-so-good” band. He told me to always dress like a rock star if I wanted to be one. I didn’t really pay attention to him at first but I’ve got my signature leather jacket on every damn day. Even in Miami’s raging heat. 

I don’t need a band to rock the hell out. I just need my gear, my ear and a vision.

9:02AM

Popcorn and a plant

 August 10, 2024 | 11:19PM

I wasn’t scheduled to work today, but I figured I’d go in and cover for somebody last minute. Extra cash is always good. Now I’m sitting at south miami metro station wondering where the fuck I want my life to go. I know where and how I’m going to end up, but getting there is looking steep. I’m not too intimidated; I’m excited for the challenge but it’s just that point in my life right now where the nerves are all you live by. Hopefully this train will take me somewhere else other than home. I’m going home don’t get me wrong, but I need a fucking lead.

11:22

Keep the flames in doubt

August 9, 2024 | 7:15PM

I’m on my way to guitar center right now and I am so fucking exhausted. I found out the other day that i was actually overdosing on my prescribed steroids from the hospital. The bottle literally says 2 in the morning, 2 in the evening for 10 days straight. That’s 80mg of prednisone mother fucker!!!! Okay now I just screamed outside this car window to sing along to this guy screaming part of your world by the little mermaid. Jesus Christ I wish I had a stable mind. ANYWAYS!!!! FUCK! The hospital was a fucking wake up call. I mean, death is always around the corner but I didn’t know this fool was chilling in my living room. I want to do electronic rock. Yes I do like nine inch nails. Something like that but I know I can do something a bit better. In my own solo way. I’ll just get a boss table top looper, hook it up to ableton, my bassline processor and my trusty offer up Gibson replica (The Epoch which is actually pretty dope). I’m tired of the Hayley Williams accusations. I love her, I love being a front woman but I am so much fucking more than just another punk ass girl holding a microphone and directing a crowd like the navy. I wanna be revolutionary and I will be that. I will be an icon and I will be a legend. Now all I have to do is…believe that.

7:26PM

At least it’s not cancer

 August 2, 2024 | 8:08AM (hehe)

I’ve been admitted into the hospital for low platelet levels and bro honestly…I’ve been ignoring the symptoms and just doing away with alcohol until I almost fainted at work. And then that’s when I realized “Fuck man. I should probably not die rn” went to urgent care, showed them pictures of my blood encounters around my body and they demanded that I went to the ER so I went, got my blood drawn and WHAT DO YOU KNOW? my platelets were 10,000 above critical. My platelets were at 40,000 (normal is 150,000) so now I’m here being stuck with a needle every 2 hours and getting pumped with steroids every day. Today is only day 2 however. Still waiting on my second dosage. I’ll be fine. Eric has been sleeping here with me and keeping me sane. I definitely need the comfort when all I can “eat” are liquids. Atleast now I have time to catch up on Dexter.

8:13AM

I finally look the way I’ve wanted to

 July 30, 2024 | 8:12PM

I’m on my way to this photoshoot that highlights the women in the miami local music scene. I finally look the way I want to be perceived. I’m building a backbone made of steel, forgiveness and a little of vengeance. I can’t lie to myself. We all want a little bit of unjustified justice. Anyways, check out these pics. I think I look supa hot ngl. IDENTITY CRISIS, BE DAMNED! I KNOW WHO I AM.

8:18PM

First Baecation

 

my bestfriend and I

 

Maya <3

I started a band

July 22, 2024 | 11:18PM

For anybody here that knows me personally or parasocially, I had a band. It was special, it was my child and my passion project; today I knifed it totally. I’m happy to learn to end things that were good. I’m not 18 anymore and the ø would have never survived googles daring SEO terms and conditions. 

I feel free. I got it back, I let him in, I was found, she gave me pain, I got home but most importantly, I’ve found the courage to start climbing uphill. If you understood all of that, you’re a fucking nerd lmaooo.

I will go back to my roots but for now, I’ll be taking notes from Fleetwood Mac and Daft Punk: Alive ‘07

11:22PM

The Power Behind Guilt

 July 21, 2024 | 5:05AM

I've been dealing with imposter syndrome for the past year now. My accomplishments don't feel earned and others' feel stolen. I wish I knew what to do with my time other than think. That's all I do now-a-days. Nothing productive; that dirty glass in my room has been sitting there for months, but at least I just figured out how to make a pipe bomb from Cocomelon. I digress. I hold a lot of guilt. Most of it is mental and imaginary and ridiculous, but the small percentage that is justified eats me alive. The power behind guilt is that forces correct decisions under pressure. Why would you want to suffer from more guilt anyways? I'd rather not dive into details since I know more eyes are on here, but I will give you this juicy detail: I fucked up. In many various ways, but these aren't fuck ups I regret because after all, I am here. After all, doing something stupid and staying stupid is the big thing here. I really wish I could make more sensible decisions. Maybe I'd have a car by now if I made the decision to start a budget plan 2 years ago. Maybe I wouldn't be nearing alcoholism if I had just learnt a very VALUABLE lesson a bit earlier on in life (I learnt that lesson last December). This lesson is...You don't have to be everybodys friend. It's actually nice to have that one stranger you see once in a while and just say "Hey! I haven't seen you around in a while". Sondering is a necessity, I've found. Like I said, I don't regret anything, but sometimes the guilt eats me alive. The guilt of "I shouldn't have posted that...", "I shouldn't have let them move in...", "I shouldn't have opened myself that much..."...

I'm going back to therapy. Cutting lexapro off cold turkey worked wonderfully for me, but I know I still have loads of things to get off of my chest...not online. I'm working heavily on myself, my future and my well being. Heavily means "I wish" at this point. I'm not spiraling downwards but more upwards. Things are going well right now but my self sabotage is kicking in. I feel it and I already see it. I just hope I do well.

5:17AM

You made it!!

July 19, 2024 | 11:19PM

 Hello friends. I’m assuming you are reading this if you saw my departure from instagram. It is true, I am happier…and a very shitty and cringey writer but whatever lol. I’m good! No need to worry or wonder. I will say, this is my new safe space, so I will be cringe because that’s just how I write. I’m honestly disappointed right now. I could have been taking a shower washing away performance sweat. Petrichor was supposed to play tonight but shit happens. Tonight was supposed to be special but again…SHIT HAPPENS! I’m fine. I’m having a beer per usual. Listening to jazz and petting my boyfriend’s cat. I actually really like this living room. I’d love to build this kind of atmosphere once Eric and I move in together. I didn’t know my tastes would take a drastic turn. An 18-year-old Punk know-it-all to a woman who just likes beer and jazz. Wine is just too…yeesh. 

I’m happy. And I mean it. New people, new surroundings, new experiences. What the fuck more could I want?? I’m finally developing a STABLE sense of self. I’m letting go of past traumas and forgiving more than I know I’d like to. I do understand however that the usual “functional human being” never has their shit figured out most of the time! Which is fucking amazing! Jesus, the media does fuck around with you. I’m happy to say that I am indeed not a temu victim lol. Alright I gotta go. These are good people and very good friends. I want to be present for them. And they’re also cooking a nice dinner. Thanks for reading! See you soonish?

11:29PM

On the clock

 July 18, 2024 | 11:12AM

I'm at work right now. I opened up the store at 11 and by 11:05, I had already taken 2 orders (with good tips. I never used to be the kinda girl to wear makeup. I'd just wake up, dress up and go out. If i looked ugly, that was up to somebody else, not me. Anyways...lipstick and pushup bras are my friends now. A little cleavage can definitely make the usual 15% go up to 22% when i turn the stupid fucking IPad. Also, i tried carrot express for the first time today. $16 for an Acai bowl is brutal but whatever. I like it. I also really enjoy using this blog as a personal diary. It's like shit posting on twitter except I won't be harassed by mentally ill people. At least some of you might qualify for MENSA? I also work at a place that a lot of people in my local music scene don't typically enjoy since it's usually a spot for the younger crowd but fuck that! They want to complain about the lack of venues in Miami and shit on one of the long lasting ones but I digress. The owner is a prick. I wouldn't mind this place shutting down if it mean he went down with it but I try to keep it alive for the culture and music. we need music. Alrighty well my back is starting to hurt because im sitting on a high chair and this counter is so fucking low. I'll be back...I promise.

11:23AM

4 years later

 July 17, 2024 | 6:54PM

I’m 20 and out of high school. I have an amazing boyfriend, my family is stable, my mind is too, I have good friends, I live alone (sort of), I have a 2 year old cat called Winter, my only complaint? No car. But I fucking manage so I honestly have no complaints. 

I joined a band with my best friends today. You’ve got to kill “on a Friday” to reach “Radiohead”. I love them.